The Voice Within me!!!

My whole life has been always hard. I have always a voice inside of me that I so strong and every day I have to fight against it. I grew up with the feeling of wanting to die, of not wanting to be here on earth. My sense of self was shattered and fractured and broken into pieces growing up - not my true

Self, I never thought about myself as God thinks about me. I never loved myself the way God does love me.

By the time I was 4 or 5 I felt overwhelming shame. I felt like I was inadequate and defective because I was unable to protect my mother from my father. My mother emotionally incested me - made me her surrogate spouse - and I felt at that young age that her feelings were my responsibility. By the time I was seven I would not allow my mother to touch me - because her touch felt “icky” - and would not show her any feelings. I was being cool at seven in a passive-aggressive response my mothers complete lack of emotional boundaries - I would not admit to being happy about anything or hurt or scared or anything. I was completely emotionally isolated by the time I was seven years old. I was also full of despair, my spirit broken, and I tried to commit suicide by trying to jump out of a bridge but God saved me from that stupidity.

The seven year old within me is the most prominent and emotionally vocal of my inner children. There are two distinct sides to my life - the despairing child who just wants to die, and a child full of rage because death/escape was not allowed.

The despairing seven year old is always close by, waiting in the wings, and when life seems too hard, when I am exhausted or lonely or discouraged - when impending doom or financial problems seem to be immanent - then I hear from that an inner voice. Sometimes the first words I hear in the morning is the voice within me saying “I just want to die”.

Now I know that is just a small part of me. When that feeling comes over me now I can say to that seven year old, “I am really sorry you feel that way Sidney Pereira. You had very good reason to feel that way. But that was a long time ago and things are different now. The seven year old who is full of rage is Sidney Pereira he wants to destroy. Awhile ago I heard about a guy who went up in a tower at the University of Texas and just started shooting people. I knew exactly how he felt. For most of my life that rage was focused on destroying my own body because I blamed it for trapping me here. I knew after my attempt that suicide was not an option for me in this lifetime so I worked on killing myself in other ways with alcohol and drugs, food and cigarettes, self-destructive and insane behavior. To this day the seven year old in me has incredible resistance to me treating my body in healthy, Loving ways.

I can Love myself, validate my feelings, and assure myself that everything is different now and everything is going to be all right. When the feelings from my childhood comes over me it feels like my whole being, like my absolute reality - it isn’t, it is just a small part of me reacting out of the wounds from the past. My past doesn’t have to determine my present or future. God is my shield and strong tower.

My life has been and is so different now. When I started dreaming God’s dreams for my life, I decided completely on my own, it was something I felt I should do secretly. Dreaming to be a missionary wasn't cool and it isn’t still, like being good at sports, or being part of the in crowd, or winning fights on the playground. Becoming a missionary wasn't a "normal" thing, and like most people in my age, I desperately wanted to be "normal." Becoming a missionary wasn't discouraged or encouraged, it simply wasn't considered at all.

So Every day when I think I can't make it or will never make it. God is always helping me and telling me I am more than victorious and I will make it. I have a giant inside of you and his name is Jesus and He is just waiting for me to wake him to start doing great and powerful things in and through me. I can do all things through Christ who strengths me!!!